solstice bath and love thy enemy

sharing my solstice ritual and my patreon: tiers offer discounts to only fans but also tarot readings and access to ritual, discounted skype sessions and soon more interactive workshops.

“Hold the living, carry the dead.”
–anselm hollo
happy Capricorn, Solstice and Jupiter and Saturn meeting in Aquarius to the entire collective, whoever can see this. this movement depends on momentum, a breaking free of our stagnation and our complacency. Saturn leaving the sign of Capricorn. Jupiter leaving the sign of Capricorn. The grindstone of all the grindstones to conjunct in Aquarius while the hard working material focused slightly devious Sun of Capricorn shines brightly on our season of the dead can only, imho, be explained as: we have done the work on ourselves, now we work to help others but the onl yway to do that is to die. or break off pieces of yourself as offerings.
I started preparing for today last night. I first took a bath, lit the candles: dad, lilith, hecate, set a thirty minute repetitive hypnotic meditation (binaural beats help but i also use other nstrumentals), put a dash of chamomile and mugwort and lavender along with bath crystal from my grandmother (to feel connected to her) and made myself to stay for thirty minutes in whatever came up. what always comes up is grief. my dead dad. my dead brother. my grieving mother. but what also always comes up is my workaholism. my trauma response is busyness. you want to tell a Virgo Stellium to sit in the bath for thirty minutes and not calculate or make a list? not happening. I practiced an old ritual of offering a body part to my deities as lamb and proof of strength–my right arm, the one with carpal tunnel, the one that can’t stop working (it hasn’t hurt all day btw). this represents my overworrying, overthinking and overproducing. I sat in visualization for a few moments, taking deep breaths and picturing it detaching from me.–the worrying, the working, the fiddling. I wear that busy arm like armor. hides my vulnerabilities. hides my emotions. shields me.
I began to feel better but i allowed more to pop up. there is this worry I still have–worrying about all that is out there, elucidated by the transition of Saturn and Jupiter. I worry is an understatement. I worry is a way of life for me. so I offered my deity a part of my brain, it felt like a triangle of light being cut from me; the part obsessed with the other. obsessed with what is going on in the world and with everyone else at all times.a voice said “go within, or go without.” today, i have felt strange.
I let my moods inform my rituals. I don’t plan far ahead. I cleaned my altar last night in preparation, rearranging the pictures of my dead pets, my father, crystals, my grandparents anniv picture. I let the candles burn all the way out but I allowed today to dictate tonight. yesterday, I seethed about a situation beyond my control and as I sat still today, my father came to me flushing my heart with warmth, mollifying my thorny exterior, and filling me with a new confusion. I had set my new goal for 2021 to simply be: practice more tolerance and compassion for everyone, yet, find boundaries so I am not manipulated, duped, used. finding strength in sharing personal parts of myself as well as finding strength in my opinions but how to do that without the virulence I resent in others? and how to do that without feeling misunderstood? aim not to be understood, but to craft language that is more understanding, inquisitive, and to aim to be clear and concise. build my own communication skills without hope of ever being understood.
and something else.
a desire to repair a rift I think is irreparable with words. that is, the rift may not ever heal on the physical but on this other plane. I wanted to reach out to someone but not in apology but in earnest desire to have a conversation and then as I went through the events, feeling colored with affection, I realized what I was doing, in action, new and never done before–forgiving them. I felt love for them because I forgave them. we weren’t going to repair our relationship. prior events, community events, and previous convos proved this person still leaned on manipulation but I forgave them. I realized they have a picture of me that isn’treal, but isn’t completely untrue either (if you want access to my capricorn/solstice ritual (sending love tomy enemies believe it or not), dm me for my patreon) but I forgave them. (and my dad said start there).
to solidify anything, ritual binds it. for tonight, I am going to get fresh flowers, clear out the old flowers I got for my dad and present this person with roses. a candle that they may have the healing they need. another thirty minute long bath just for me and my deities. and let the candle for them burn to the end all the while sending them love. and let the parts of me bound to making this person understand me detach so I may be free of the ire that binds me.

start there.

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