my life has been informed by periods of sudden upheaval, grief, loss. My Saturn is in Scorpio in the fourth house. that means I got a lot of transforming to do before I am done. that means, I got a strange relationship with my domicile and family. that means, I am beaten to ashes before I take flight. the most recent pummel was my father’s death. expecting it for years, I moved to Philadelphia in preparation. I moved to philly to be closer to him. I had fled Virginia with my partner almost ten years ago, to colorado, to get sober and my father embraced me in tears, sobbing that he thought I was leaving him. that I would never come back. he wrote me a long letter telling me how proud of me he was. that even though he was absent, I was such a brave and strong daughter and he was so proud of me. I was outrunning curses i didn’t even know about.

I don’t have the letter he wrote me. I threw it away in some resentment fit, or I lost in error moving. I regret that. both. either not treasuring the only words my father took time to write, ever, in his entire life–once after graduation, and once when I moved actually (so twice) and me not having them. I regret throwing away the things my partners gave me. I regret not saving these things. but i came back, two and a half years later and a year and a half after my brother died cuz I knew. seven years I lived in philly before he died. a special number to me and a special truth I hold. when he had the heart attack, I visited regularly until the pandemic and then started to visit him again anyway. i got to say goodbye to my father the way we could say goodbye to each other. and to hold that I looked him in the eye and said I love you and he said he loved me. there is no closure, I am sorry to say. the best we can do is say I love you more. show up more. and that’s the thing about intuition. you can’t always stop things. you can know something is going to happen but you can’t outrun. you never ask to see your death. I wish I didn’t feel these things but I never ask to see my own death.

what does this have to do with Capricorn season?

to read more, visit where I share rituals, more in depth break down of healing techniques and more astrological/tarot insight. the next couple of posts will be spells i do with my mom and the capricorn tarot reading.

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